TFLN Inspired; Send my muse a text from the list below

rhapsodoes:

[[Text]: it glows. i had to have it.
[Text]: i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren’t you proud of me?
[Text]: you told me your favorite colors were “pink” “no pants” and “Mexican food”
[Text]: I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
[Text]: YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
[Text]: This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I’m too hungover to ask questions
[Text]: I think my nap took me to another dimension
[Text]: i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
[Text]: I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I’m conflicted.
[Text]: I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
[Text]: i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
[Text]: He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were “stay away from my princess parts. they’re renovating.”
[Text]: It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
[Text]: If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
[Text]: The real estate’s complaint had the words “loud squealing at 2am” in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
[Text]: Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
[Text]: was it mean of me to chase him screaming “DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!”
[Text]: I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
[Text]: If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
[Text]: Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
[Text]: I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
[Text]: And he probably thinks I’m in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
[Text]: I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
[Text]: i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
[Text]: A true measure of a good friend is how long they respond to their friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
[Text]: Apparently I’m a “fire hazard”
[Text]: Just did shrooms. Don’t feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing’s happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
[Text]: I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
[Text]: do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it’s really, really cool when u think about it
[Text]: Well I’m about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I’m disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
[Text]: im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper “I’m not wearing underwear” but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
[Text]: Ducking stuck downtown…all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
[Text]: we’re making bets on your personal life
[Text]: Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being…

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